Tales of the Parodyverse

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Nitz the Bloody
Tue Jan 04, 2005 at 08:45:14 pm EST
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The Commission #9
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The Commission #9
By Neil Kapit

“ I’m not looking forward to this, “ Hatman sighs. He and several members of the Lair Legion are discussing the affairs of the Commission in the lounge on Parody Island. “ Lined-up “ are the Capped Crusader and the Wired Wonder, CrazySugarFreakBoy!, as well as Trickshot and Mr. Epitome.

“ Tell me again why we can’t just pummel these dirtbags, “ the Paragon of Power asks. “ They’ve been acting without U.S. jurisdiction and have killed American citizens. “

“ Because things just aren’t that simple, Dominic, “ Jay Boaz iterates. “ These people are trying to be superheroes, just like us. Sure, they’re extremely misguided, but I think they are genuinely trying to do good work. They deserve at least a warning before we strike. “

” Amazingly enough, I’m with Epitome, “ Dreamcatcher Kokopeli Foxglove loudly says. “ These chumps are just like the Authority. And MARK MILLAR’S Authority at that, not the good Authority. “

” Yeah, “ Trickshot states, “ I could go for a good slugfest, especially with these goons. “

” Calm down, people, “ Hatman says. “ Nobody’s fighting anybody. At least not yet. “

” What I don’t get, “ Trickshot announces, “ is how Nitz the Bloody ended up with this bunch. I’ve met Nitz....he seems like a decent guy, even if he is a bit weird and lacking in basic hygiene. What would make him join a group of radicals like the Commission? Is it his leather fetish? “

” If Nitz has even a slight bit of decency, “ Hatman says, “ He’s probably reconsidering his role with the group already.... “

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Chamber, the seventy-fifth room of the Citadel: Nitz the Bloody remains imprisoned in his chair, without the strength to break free or the intelligible speech to access his spells. He is being kept alive intravenously, but he starts to feel weaker than he was before. Nitz is rapidly giving up hope. When left alone, he stews in his own self-pity, feeling that he’ll never escape Stanng’s clutches. When Stanng arrives, however, he is filled with a new resolve, that of wanting to kill the fifteen-year-old in the most gruesome fashion possible.

Every day Stanng checks in with Nitz for about an hour, but it’s not to talk sports. Stanng experiments on Nitz, trying to access his mind and the Zeku dimension it is tied to. Every time, he fails, despite his incredible intelligence. However, Stanng keeps coming in, meddling with Nitz’s mind.

“ Still nothing, “ Stanng grumbles today, as he puts his hand on Nitz’s forehead. “ I still remain unable to focus in on your consciousness. It seems tied to all the other Priests of Zeku throughout history, an ancestral line dating back tens of thousands of years. I’ve been reading individual Priests’ minds, and it seems like there are a lot of stories yet to be told. But nothing from you. “

If my mouth was free, the screen behind Stanng displays, I’d bite off your f---ing fingers.

“ Well, that’s why you’re gagged, now isn’t it? “ Stanng snaps. “ I’ve got you restrained, but good. I’ll find a way into your dimension sooner or later, and then I’ll win a Nobel Peace Prize in Physics for it. Of course, once I rule the world, I can just force the Nobel Prize committee to give me all the prizes I want. “

Once you rule the world? the screen implores. You’re not going to rule the world, you douche. Someone always stops the bad guys from their evil schemes. It may not be me, but somebody will.

Stanng frowns, opens his jacket and removes the remote, and pushes the button once more. The pink lightning surges through Nitz’s body, but at this point, it feels less painful than before. Repeated shock treatments have dulled the agony.

As Stanng is electrocuting Nitz, a slight knocking is heard from the door to the Chamber. “ Enter “, Stanng states. It’s Molly Kitsarugi, coyly stepping into the room.

“ E-e-excuse me, Johnny “, she stutters, “ B-b-but... “

” But WHAT? “ Stanng snaps. “ What could possibly be so important that YOU needed to interrupt MY experiments? “

” I-I-I just wanted to t-t-talk to Nitz, “ sputters Molly. “ A-a-alone, if you don’t m-m-mind? “

” And why would you want to do that, “ Stanng growls.

“ I-I-I just needed to c-c-clear some things up with him. It’ll only take fifteen minutes. “

” Fine, “ Stanng sighs. “ Fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes EXACTLY. “

Stanng walks out of the room. Molly and Nitz are left alone.

“ H-h-hi, “ she weakly says, waving her hand.

What do you want, the monitor shows.

“ I-I-I just wanted to a-a-apologize, “ Molly states. “ I-I-I’m sorry for t-t-tranquilizing you... “

Nitz’s brow knits as he stares directly at Molly, his eyes figuratively burning with rage. But you’d do it again, right?

” I don’t know....Johnny told me it was for the best, that you were in the way of his plans for a finer world, and I had to agree. I mean, Johnny is smarter than both of us.... “

God, the monitor displays, I’d be pissed off at you if you weren’t so pathetic. Listen to yourself, Molly. You’re suspending your own judgment in favor of a fifteen-year-old prick who treats you like s---. He verbally abuses you regularly, and you just accept it?

” I-I-I.....I-I owe Johnny everything. He found me when I first gained my goddess form, he gave me the size-changing necklace, and his family adopted me. I can’t turn my back on him.... “

But he’s gone bat-s--- crazy, Molly. He’s going to take over the world. He’s going to KILL the Platinum Child to do it, amongst a lot of other people. Why not assert yourself for once and stop him?

” H-h-e told me Stacy would be okay. H-h-he knows what he’s doing, because he’s so smart, right? “

God damn it, I give up. Just leave me alone.

Molly looks at Nitz and asks him, “ I-I-Is there anything I c-c-can do for you? “ Nitz thinks for a second, and then has an answer, one he considers the perfect response.

I’m probably going to die in this miserable cell, states the screen, and I’ve never kissed a human girl before. I want that before I go.

“ B-b-but Johnny said not to remove your gag.... “

Stanng’s not here. Come on, just for a second....I’ve always found you attractive, and I’d just like a hot girl to kiss me for once in my stupid life.

“ O-o-okay, but just for a second.... “ Molly pushes two studs on Nitz’s mechanical gag, and it releases, freeing his mouth. Molly leans down and plants her lips on Nitz’s for a quick peck. The exact moment after Molly backs away, Nitz shouts “ Shattereku “, and the restraint system he is trapped in crumbles into many smaller pieces. Nitz immediately stands up and summons his costume and cudgel onto his person, then opens a tear in reality. Molly looks on in disbelief.

“ Thanks for the kiss, “ Nitz slyly grins. “ It’s time for me to go. “

Molly just stands still and sputters. “ B-b-but....I-I-I...I mean....the kiss...I thought....“

” Are you going to try and stop me? “ Nitz asks. Molly doesn’t respond, she just keeps trying to form words, and fails.

“ Toodles, “ Nitz beams sarcastically, as he walks through the warp he created. He disappears. Molly remains in the Chamber, now savoring the taste of the betrayal that Nitz must have felt when she pumped him full of animal tranquilizer. She considers it karma.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“ You did WHAT?! “ Stanng screams at Molly, as they stand in the Conference Room with the rest of the Commission. “ You f---ing FELL for Nitz’s tricks, and LET him get away?! “

“ I-I-I didn’t know he’d do that, “ Molly stammers. “ I-I-I just didn’t think.... “

” Well, I don’t have you on this team to THINK! You’re on the Commission to be a giant piece of meat that blocks enemy fire! Nothing more, nothing less, you understand you dumb bitch? “

” I-I-I’m sorry, “ Molly cries, tears streaming from her eyes, “ I’m SORRY! “

” Well, sorry doesn’t put Nitz back in the Chamber, now does it! He’s out there somewhere, probably in the Zeku dimension, and he’s plotting something against us! And it’s all YOUR fault!“

“ Stanng, “ the Umbra suggests, “ Maybe you should relax for a second. Taking things out on Molly isn’t going to help. “

” Relax? “ Stanng laughs hollowly and nervously, “ Relax? I CAN’T relax! Not when Nitz is free! That skinny son of a bitch could be anywhere. I don’t even know the upper limits of his power; he could be here right now, spying on us! He could kill us all, right where we stand! “ Stanng is shaking as he stands, sweating profusely. His eyes are almost bloodshot. “ He could do worse things. And I’m the one who pissed him off....he’s going to come after ME! “

“ Excuse me, Stanng, “ the Bateleur notifies, “ But we have a meeting tomorrow with the Lair Legion in Camp David. I think you should take a chill pill or something before we go. I got some stuff in my room that’ll fix you up... “

” F--- you, Flutterby, “ Stanng yells. “ I don’t need your drugs and I don’t need your sympathy! We’ll just go through as planned with the Lair Legion. We’ll talk to them, listen to their bulls--- about puppies and Christmas, and then take them all out when they least suspect it. Yeah, that’ll do it... “

The rest of the Commission just looks on at Stanng as he sits down in a chair, looking at his shaking hands. Only the Enlisted shows no doubt in their leader. The other members of the team start to wonder what they’ve gotten themselves into.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa Cruz, California; a small house in the suburbs, where Mrs. Griffon works on a crossword puzzle on the kitchen table as she drinks a cup of coffee. Nothing is out of the ordinary until the air itself opens up, and a young man in a steel helmet and red duster coat walks in. She immediately identifies him as her son.

“ Shawn? “ she wonders. “ What are you doing here? I thought you weren’t coming home for the holidays... “

” Something came up, “ Nitz heavily breathes, as he walks over to his mother and looks her in the eyes. “ I’ve alienated everyone I know. The government hates me, the Commission hates me, and the entire rest of the world either hates me or fears me, probably both. “

” I heard, “ Nitz’s mother calmly says. “ Why’d you get into this Commission mess, honey? I knew you were a superhero, but I didn’t think you’d be a radical... “

” I just wanted to help save the world, “ Nitz replies. “ But I didn’t know what I was getting into. Those people are insane, and I had to rebel against them. Now I assume they’re trying to hunt me down. They might even have this house bugged. “

” Nitz honey, “ Mrs. Griffon worries, “ What are you saying? “

Nitz chokes up a little bit as he speaks. ” I’m saying I love you and goodbye, Mom. I’m going to have to take down the most super-powerful of all the superpowers. I’m just letting you know that I’m probably going to come back in a box. “

” For God’s sakes, Shawn, “ Mrs. Griffon cries, “ Call the Lair Legion! Call the US Military! Get somebody on your side... “

” No. “ Nitz refuses, “ This is my responsibility. This is my fight. “

Nitz’s mother hugs him tightly, squeezing the life out of him between her sobs. As his mother’s arms envelop him, Nitz quakes a little bit at the thought of dying, but then he remembers the Supremacist, the face of evil that almost killed him, and knows what he has to do.

NEXT: The Lair Legion vs. The Commission.


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